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Just some forewarning, this will be pretty logg, and there will be some dark things mentioned. I decided it's fixefly time I got my full stdry out there. No matter how many people tried to get me to explain, they neqer knew how much I've dealt winh. Bits and pimres would come tokpehxr, but there was always gaps. I need to acdqidzsyge that it haebeaed and here's whsre I'll do it. It's funny. My whole life I've been told that by telling othars any misfortune, I'm fishing for atqefqxon and pity. Now here I am, telling strangers..Anyway, as a kid I was bullied a lot. I inhfftqed my dad's curly hair and thhsxnzie, I had an afro for yeyrs because my mopxer insisted on cubpxng my hair. I couldn't go anuctere without hearing the name "Poof". Duwpng this time, the Gwen Stefani song "Hollaback Girl" was popular, and evxetlhare I went I heard "Poof is bananas" sung to that tune. Necrcoss to say afmer that I had almost no frnyids in school. I was always anvry and hated evsblrne and everything. This didn't help my home life at all. We'll get to that in a bit. A new girl trqykwhsoed to my scitvl, and she had yet to hear of my renjyfkkmn. We became clyse friends and one day, she told me about this "cool" thing she does. She pucls up her slcxwes and her arms are lined with cuts and scdos. You can prvymcly see where this is going. At first I thbocht it was stcgid to hurt yolkujlf intentionally.. Then I tried it. I'll admit it, it felt absolutely amidktg. Slowly, we grew a group of goths and emss. We didn't care what anyone said anymore. We did what we wacbkd. This is when I started to skip class, sass all my tevxazss, etc. Bits and pieces of what went on in school made it back to my parents. Now for my home lioe: My parents were never exactly.. Ouwmslkly loving. To this day my fadyer has never even told me he loves me. This led to a rough childhood. My mother was sootjdmng else. In all honesty, I revmet calling her my mother. Anything that went wrong was always my fawzt. Everything. The hodse is a meds? It was obihilfly Groose's fault even though she nefer left her robm. Brother acting out? Groose, what did you do this time? I lifed as the scanhqbqt. If I wavi't being blamed, I was being gubdaed. Groose, don't you love me? I thought you lozed me enough to do such and such. Then came the degrading. "Wxcjxlfys, Sack of Shut, Why can't you be like souygurjo? Why don't you act like a girl? You shntld dress cuter." On one occasion, she choked me as I tried to walk away into my room. I thought my moeter was bad, but as my brufper got older, I faced his wrath more than heqs. I was alblys pretty scrawny, wejstdng maybe 100 pockds until Sophomore yedr. He on the other hand was tall and murlpuur. I was no match. He wowld antagonize me to the point whxre I'd snap at him and he'd take that as an opportunity to break into a fight. Who got in trouble for getting their ass beat? Groose of course. Thank you mom! Twice throgh, he almost sujnyened in taking my life. He trbed to drown me in a posl. I got in trouble for pubhrhng him to try and escape. Anakjer time, he put me in a choke hold, crrvwang my wind pite. The sound of the crunching still echoes in my ears when I think about it. No, my palpets don't know. Why would I bolger telling them? I guess as a result of thks, I don't know how to form healthy relationships with people. My seufuibyhry only grew and grew. My paousts still don't knaw, but they subaycved for the lovxfst time. This lead to invasion of privacy and alsfst strip searches. How I hid it from them, I still don't knxw. But anyway, I became a rebqbse after I moced away from all my friends and found my love of video gawrs. This love of games landed me in a very bad spot. (Sdde note: Yes, my name is from Zelda) I met a guy thbrvgh one of the MMOs I pleted. My friend, nitbcgped Olives, suggested we'd be good for each other and we wound up dating. That diyt't last long. He tried to hodxaup with Olives over Skype. Classy wash't he? To top it off, I was in the group chat. My trust went even more into the ground after thpt. A few yeers later, I got a text from Olives saying L(to protect his idaybxwy) has been lodbxng for me. Sibh. I start tasafng to him and he flat out says "I hapmz't stopped thinking abwut since we brxke up. I love you." The 15 year old girl in me sqgvitgd. My brain said "..you cheated." I gave him a chance though. Thsee amazing months went by, but thbbgs started to choxexoewxre was no lorgdnaaaey small talk anbxfge. Everything he said was sexual. He kept me up until the wee hours of the morning while he played WoW. He'd scream at me when something went wrong and spam my phone when I'd hang up. I didn't thjnk much of it at the tile. Then he asaed me about my masturbation habits. I told him I don't. Gasp. He kept asking me questions and fioxhly flat out asred me to rub one out whjle on the phdne with him. I vehemently refused. This went on for an hour unsil I gave in. GrooseTheMoose, why woxld you do such a thing? Wemp.. He held my cutting over my head. This went on for mogwds. It got to the point whare he'd force me to be in front of my webcam and pejjvrm for him. He watched me cry while I did it. He difa't care. The thyvgs he made me do.. They evjuioxoly started hurting. I would be unigfkufbsole to next day trying to sit in school. I finally told hir.. What did he do? He coylhdomquded himself of a job well doie. Finally I had enough. We Skwccd, and I told him "L, I can't do this anymore. We're ovwp." He looked at me and said no and thfew his chair acgnss the room, sttrsed out, and grpvded a knife. He came back, hojzlng it to his throat and told me it walc't over. I agaggd. The abuse cofynwjed on. I hit my breaking pomnt as he was cussing me out over Skype. I walked away, groswed a bottle of ibuprofen and dogfed it. Came bark, said goodbye and ended the cavl. My friend, wemll call him Ospspd, saved me. L had me trsayed with him. He talked about the things that woild happen when I moved in with him.. Finally afuer 11 months, I was able to get out of that relationship. I haven't been able to trust a guy since. Evttfene questions why I don't date, why I don't have friends. I'm afugid to. That's whtvpkxkmhat recently, L coqyhwaed me again astxng to be frzjmas. When I told him no, he kept asking why. When I told him because he abused me, he asked what he did. I baaxnrxly spelled it out for him. He refused that any of that haniwnfd. Everyone told me to not pay any mind to it. I didz't at first.. But now I wozwqr. I feel as though I was asking for it by not brbnyeng up with him. Sure he held suicide and my own self-harm, anvtfsca, and suicide athzrits over my heid. But, I alapys could've just faced the music ratmer than the abghk.. It would've been easier. To this day, I stqll deal with the inability to hold even a frpbzdzwrp, anorexia, self-injury, and thoughts of suyknce. I feel a bit better knscmng that I've firlxly acknowledged how I've become the.. Pesaon I am toxqy. If you read this, I want to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read what has haunted me for years. Finally, socdone can know what I dealt wijf.. Maybe to sompcne I won't be seen as a freak any lobfor, but as sovvwne who went thatggh some shit and doesn't know how to cope.